My psychiatrists: Dr. Ruffles, Professor Lays, and the Keebler elf

so this post is maybe a little more vulnerable and less funny than normal.

and - i hope it resonates with some of you that have the same struggle.

I usually feel like i'm ok.

not great - not bad.  just - ok.  And I laugh a lot and people think that I'm just fine!  And I smile almost continually and can joke with everyone - so it seems that I'm dandy.  (We Americans have mastered the art of the continual smile, have we not?)

but you know... occasionally, i get a ping of.... worry.  of... sadness.  or anxiety.

and nothing works quicker than laying back on the couch and drowning my sorrows with Dr. Ruffles.

or..... having a nice little chat with that cute little Keebler elf.

I actually don't realize that i'm using food as a pacifying agent.  I have no thought before I begin to snack - thinking - oh!  that cookie will make me feel better!

it's almost auto-pilot.  I just get a snack, and poof!  like magic,  these little calories work wonders at being the counselors that I didn't even know I needed. I feel like I've been duped by Obi-Wan with his Jedi mind mumbo jumbo.
 

Here's the problem:   they only work for a little while.  maybe 5 minutes?  As the lingering taste of oatmeal raisin on my tongue starts to fade, and my temporarily appeased mood starts to return with a vengeance... I start to hurt a little more.  and need another cookie.  and 1000 calories later......

see the problem?

And again - if it was a really conscious thing, I think I would be able to fight it off and recognize it as the trap that it is.  But I usually don't think of it.  I just float blissfully through life, one Lays potato chip at a time.

And maybe it sounds like I'm attaching the snack bags to my face with a rubber band and just inhaling.  but i'm not.  And really - it's not even the amount of calories that is the problem.  i mean, it's not exactly HELPING.... lol.  But really - the problem is.... those snacks just aren't the solution.

It's really like any other addiction.  And the way to really see how pervasive any addiction is?   Take it away.

For the first 7 weeks of my journey on Healthy Wage - it was sweet. Summer was right around the corner, school was almost over, I was beginning a new weight loss journey that had the promise of prize money.... my focus was diverted a lot of the time to cool things, and the annoying little gnats of anxiety (or worry or sadness or a million other things) didn't have time to settle onto me - because I was in constant motion and distraction.

But, with time (that ever-so-tricky constant).... things change.

the shiny newness of the contest has worn off.  Do not get me wrong.  I am STILL going to win.  I'm wonderfully stubborn that way.   :)

But... we hosted a party on Sunday for a bunch of the sweetest kids in the world.  I bought tons of snacka (which I thought they would devour).  and.....We ended up taking half the unopened snacks home.

(insert ominous music)  dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun!!!

It is now Tuesday.  I didn't realize how much I missed snacks until 4 bags of mega-sized snacks sat on my table calling my name.

"Leah, ohhhhh Leeeeeeeaaaaaah.  Come. Sit. Talk. Eat. Forget"

And then when I couldn't just eat - first i was mad.  then i was REALLY mad.  then really grouchy.  then really self-pitying.   and then.... I finally realized...

blah!  They did help me to forget.  But they didn't help me treat the underlying issues. They weren't very good counselors, or psychiatrists, or helps!  at all.

And that's a good thing to recognize.  but a difficult thing to face when those troublesome "gnats" start to come again.

so my solution - prayer.  The effect lasts longer than 5 minutes, it's 0 calories - so I can do it as much as I want, and it really gets to the heart of the matter and gets me in front of the best Psychiatrist there is - who doesn't just deal with my mind, but deals with my heart and my soul.

I'll be honest.  It doesn't always act as quickly as a cookie.  And it's not numbing like a chip.... so sometimes it's a little more painful to dig deeper to the real source of the hurt, than it is to just pour delicious chocolate over the wound.   ;)

but... it does heal ever so much more infinitely truer.

and p.s.  In case you're wondering, I don't just pray to Something Out There, or a benevolent being in the sky.  I'm a Christian.  So I pray to Christ. and He is the Best there is.

VIDEO: Week 8 weigh in

Sorry!  I did my weigh in on Saturday as usual - but just got a chance to upload the video this morning

finally have internet again :)

so this week, i think i'll be posting a little more!

reached the 15 pound milestone.  which is VERY exciting!

Actually 15.3  ;)

so that's almost half way to my HealthyWage goal - and almost 1/3 of the way to my overall goal.

I'm still not exactly sure how much weight I want to lose completely.  It's been too long since I've been down in those numbers LOL   I'll have to fine tune it when I get closer.  For now, I'm guessing that number is about 45 pounds weight loss total.   But.... I don't want to look SCARY thin.  and i have no idea what point I will begin to look scary thin ... LOL  Maybe at 45 pound weight loss, I'll just finally look the right weight.  we'll see ;)

here's my video and eeeek, i finally felt like it was time to do a full body twirl. LOL    I really didn't want to do it.  But I looked back on my first video - and I could see the difference from my first video til today's video.   So, I thought it is important for me to be able to give myself markers.  And because my brain likes to play tricks on me - I thought it was best to get some video evidence of where I am now - and where I'll be 10 pounds from now, 15 pounds from now, 25 pounds from now and so on!

Sometimes pictures (and videos) can do what memory fails to do!   and i need to see every stinkin bit of progress.  So.... bit the bullet and did the full body portion of the video. blah!  The only thought that keeps me going is..... it WILL get better!  LOL

here's my 8 week video!

yep. it's broken.

I was coasting along at a nice 7 mph on my treadmill.

feeling very athletic.  kinda like Supergirl meets Wonder Woman.

and then, good old Tready decides to go from 7mph to 8mph to 3mph and finally to a dead stop.

all in 1.7 seconds.

just.... you know... cuz it's that kind of  "fun" treadmill.
and by "fun" - clearly I mean - demon-possessed.

if you're wondering what I looked like - well, here you go.

(i watched this video at least 84 times.  and laughed harder every time.) 

yeeeeeeeeeep.   that was me.  it was almost exactly like the first three seconds of that video.

  only faster - and more spastic. 

but because I'm Super Wonder Woman.... i didn't fall. hahahahaha 

Actually - i'm not that super.  God was just kind to me and didn't want me to fly into the wall.  

SO.

I'm gonna hope to get Tready fixed within the month.

  (and then I'm gonna EXORCISE him before i can EXERCISE on him again.)

it stinks too. cuz i can't really go outside to walk/jog/run for the next few weeks because i kid you not....  There are swarms of flies outside that this world hasn't seen since the plagues of Moses.  

so i'm hoping that when we can get Tready fixed  - and more importantly, he is demon-free - I'll be able to kinda pick up where i left off.  but dang it.  i was up to 7 mph!!!!!!  argh.  i know i'm gonna lose some of my steam in the meantime.  

but on the plus side - i had an absolute BLAST dancine with Julianne Hough. although... my neck is killing me from all the hair flipping in her dances.  seriously!  and i stretched out!!!   but she kept telling us to be sexy and flip our hair around!  

the heck with sexy.  just keep me from being crippled, Julianne!!!!   from now on, I will be performing all of her dances with a neck brace.  

and really, I ask you.  what is sexier than that?

VIDEO: Week 7 weigh in

Well....  I thought I was prepared for it!
eating out 4 times this week - getting on the scale this morning...

but I guess I wasn't prepared after all! 

Deep fried Starbucks

so - yesterday was the fair.

and i was only supposed to eat the mushrooms.  and i was SO only gonna just eat the mushrooms.

don't doubt me.  i was.

but then my BFFs hubby was tweaking the recipe to make their Deep fried Starbucks even better... so he needed a taste-tester.

guess who was the taste tester.

 i knooooooow.  i'm so selfless!!!!  i'm a giver.  i give.  it's who i am.  LOL

This week was supposed to be my week to relax and take it easy - cuz last week i worked out HARD, ate super-on-track, and lost three pounds.

*moment of silence while i give props to last week's bad mamma jamma-ness*

BOOYAKA!

and i was kinda like - hmmmm should i even write about eating deep fried starbucks??? LOLOL  maybe i should be more hard-core and talking about how i'm calorie counting, and sweating, and you know.... being a bad mamma jamma 24/7.  (shoot! that song is gonna be stuck in my head all day now)

but.  this is supposed to be my REAL life journal of these 11 months.

and this REALLY happened.

so.  life as i know it included deep fried Starbucks yesterday.  and that sugary, chocolatey, coffee-ee-ey, whipped creamy taste test was WORTH EVERY FREAKIN CALORIE. 

so there.   

and i walked 3 miles at the fair.  (parked my car on the other side of creation and didn't take the tram.)  and then came home and walked 3 more miles on the treadmill. 

and i did eat the mushrooms. and heck yeah, they were good.

look.  

i'm not giving up.  i'm still focused as ever.  i'm COMPLETELY gonna win - and not only that - i'm not EVER gaining this weight back.  but i CAN'T live a life where you just cut out things that you'll enjoy cuz they don't fit into a prescribed calorie plan.  that's not life.  that's torture. and believe me - i've done that before.  and i lost a LOT of weight.  and then, i gained it back cuz its just not realistic.

so - i'm sharing my week with you.  all of it.  and like i said yesterday, i'm prepared for any weight gain that i earned this week.  today, I'm home.  no dining out.  no fairs. no treats.  just exercise - smart eating and enjoying the memories that i created this week.

....without a drop of guilt ;)  

 and i kinda like it!

when the mice are away....

My "mice" went away to camp this week.  So this kitty-cat played!  :)

I had every intention of relaxing, and relax, I did.  Hubby and I went to the beach, went shopping (for my beauty-licious sneaks), went out to eat..... twice.  (gulp)

then spent the day with my sister and her kids yesterday and went out for pho and Vietnamese egg rolls.... (gulp gulp)

and today.  its a triple gulp day.  I am going to hang out with my BFF (no gulps there)  who happens to own the Bacon A-Fair stands at the fair. (insert triple gulp .... now)

let me say that one more time for all of you who weren't really paying attention.

she and her hubby own Bacon A-Fair stands.  and I'm going to hang out with her.  at the fair.  LOL

so i have already planned on the healthy food i'm eating.

mushrooms!  grilled mushrooms!!!!!  healthy, right???  good choice! high five!

they're just mushrooms......... stuffed with Gouda cheese, wrapped in bacon.... and grilled!

they're the Porkobello kabobs - dead center on the sign above.
mmmmm  tasty, delicious, bacon-y goodness.

but that's all i'm eating.  i'm not eating their bacon-wrapped turkey legs.  or their fries, fried in oil and bacon fat.  or their chocolate covered bacon... and i'm staying far away from their Mexican funnel cake stand - which is pretty much like 5 pounds of heaven on a plate.  i'm .... ONLY... eating the mushrooms.  ok?

i know. i know.  i'm in trouble.  they are the tastiest treats at the fair - in my humble opinion.  but I mean - i MUST eat something.  and I'm NOT bringing my meals to walk around with.

so.  dude.  it's life.

or as my awesome Russian teacher (and awesome friend, Vadim) says... "это жизнь."

and when life hands you bacon -  you eat it, man.  you just eat it.

I am fully prepared to see the scale on Saturday morning.  and I think - quite possibly - for the first time in my life - i'm not gonna be scared.  or disappointed.

because this week was fun.  like - F.U.N.  kind of fun. and believe it or not - i actually DID try to make good choices when I went out.  and i DID work out e'ry day!!!!!

and most importantly - i enjoyed myself!  :)    sooooooooo.

my mice will be back on Saturday morning.  and life, as we know it, will return to normal. and though I had fun this week - I am actually looking forward to predictability and returning to the routine of eating well and working out and losing weight and oh yeah....winning my prize money ;)

and if the scale says i maintained-  no problem!

and if the scale says i went up a pound -  i'll just force a tight smile and shake it off!

and if the scale says i went up two pounds, there will be a new "scale-shaped" hole in my bathroom wall.

no biggie.

Out with the old! in with the Hoka!

Old....

Bye Asics.  you served me well! until i tore you apart....

New.....

well hello gorgeous. i think it's love at first sight, and feel, and jog.

after all my excitement for the Asics.... i ended up finding something BETTER.

They're like the awesome running feel and structure of the Nike Reax - but the incredible cushion of the Asics. (except the cushion isn't in the insole - it's in the base of the shoe - and they are....

 aMAAAAzing.)

Hoka One One.  it's a new company.  I'm not into fads, i'm not into hype, i'm not into the latest fashion and i'm not into people telling me what i should like.  I like what i like and i'm pretty stubborn about it LOL

love their slogan " Time to fly"  yeah buddy!!!!  :)

i do like the recommendation of friends though.  (and my hubby was talking to some runner friends and about 15 of them agree these are their new favorites) recommendations are good!  but... i always weigh it out against what really works for me.  and these - really - work for me!  (side note - they are slightly more expensive than the Asics... but i got last year's model.  still expensive - but so far - worth every cent!)

my feet felt so good after my walk/jog -  i did another mile.  and.... i really need to start keeping track of my personal records - but i'm fairly certain i beat my best time yesterday!!!  i was MOVIN.  

I could go on and on about how awesome they feel - but you should just find a store and see for yourself ;)

hubby took the picture before i was ready LOL -
 but its a full body shot and i need more of them for my own progress!

happy girl ;)

VIDEO: Week 6 weigh in

Our wifi is on the fritz! Something about the fiber wires. or something. i know not.  all i know is i don't have access to the internet and i feel like i'm living in the 80s.

So I wasn't able to upload any updates this week... and it shouldn't be fixed until Friday! blah.

but i have good news :)

and you can watch the video to hear it!

does tanning count as working out?

cuz if it does...

i worked out for 8 hours yesterday!

and got very tan!  hehehe  well the good thing is - I actually did get in the water.

the ice - cold - what was i thinking - water.

I love boogie-boarding with my daughter!  but yesterday, after 45 minutes of shivering in the water- i actually stopped being able to sense my limbs.  hypothermia.  gotta love it.

but - we had fun ;)

and tanned. (tanning makes you look thinner, right?!?! High fives for ultraviolet rays! and don't worry - i used sunscreen)

PLUUUUUUUS... I walked 10 miles today to make up for yesterday's failed attempt at "working out" in the water.

AAAAAAAAND.  a friend of mine that hasn't seen me in a few weeks (5 to be exact) saw me in Trader Joe's the other day and said she could totally see that I've been working out.  And how did I react?

by jumping up and down in the middle of the aisle, clapping my hands and squealing REALLY?!?!?!?!  THANK YOUUUUUUUU!!!

totally normal behavior.

so even though my stubborn brain refuses to see any sort of change in my body after almost 6 weeks - it's good to know that it is making a difference!!!!

and also good to know that tanning adds natural contouring and hides cellulite perfectly.

My favorite beach :)

Because I'm little

My hubby is 6'8".  yep.

I was 5'2".

But now I'm 5'2"....with shoes on.

so I think I shrunk to 5'1".  blah.

I'm melting. I'm melting. What a world, what a world! hehehe

And... i've always wanted to be a statuesque 5'9".

but i would settle for a mediocre 5'4".   lol

Instead - i am little.

Why does that matter? Wellllllllll, extra weight on a little body always looks worse than on a tall body.

My goal is to lose 35 pounds for HealthyWage.  Plus, I have an additional goal of 5-10 more pounds. but even with that - i'm kinda... worried!

I mean -i have no idea what I'm going to look like at that weight.  Age is a weird thing.  Weight redistributes!  Just because you looked good at X weight 20 years ago - doesn't mean you will look good now!  Will I need to lose more?  Will I only lose in certain places? Will I look too gaunt and thin?!?!  I don't knooooooow.

And the suggested weight for height tables NEVER applied to me.  I have always had a more muscular build.

.... and in case you're wondering... i used to love when people would ask if i was a gymnast.  simply loved it.  oh. loved it so much.  can you hear the sarcasm?  let me say it again.  i. looooved. it.

I never liked being little.  but.... I ESPECIALLY don't like being little and heavy.

I'm hoping that when I win my prize,  (which is $2150 - oh, did i already mention that? hehehe)  and hit my goal - then... maybe I won't mind being little.

Maybe I'll actually like it...

That's right!  He saved the day, cuz he was little!  

oh Ash!  you adorable little fox!!! you're my hero!  :)  

RoadRunner

I'm cheap.

or frugal... maybe that's a better word ;)

nope.  i'm cheap. lolol

I just can't see spending money on many things that other people do.  Actually -I do like to spend money!  I'd just rather spend it on a vacation or on an experience.  I don't like to spend money on clothes or purses or desperately needed sneakers. LOL

when i say "desperately needed" .... i really mean it.  cuz i'll wear them out until they fall apart!!

well - my precious sneakers are falling apart. What kind of falling apart?   like - "chunks of foam falling out"- falling apart LOLOL  which kinda makes me feel good!!! cuz ... i did that.  I took sneakers and walked (and jogged!!) the mess out of them until I wore them down to nothing

yeahhhhhhh, i'm an athelete.  that's how we do.  ;)

hehehe ( i can so relate to Ash)

now that i'm a true blue athlete (don't laugh!), I need to spend money on some good sneakers.

so, we went to Road Runner sports.  you know - the place where they put you on the treadmill and record how you walk, then have you stand in this gel foam to measure where you put your weight - then bring you 50,000 types of sneakers to try and run around in their little track.   It's pretty awesome!

I learned some things too!  apparently i'm a completely different size than what i've been buying.  and i have a very centered step ... and i have one hot spot on my foot where i hold too much pressure - but overall - i'm normal.  let me rephrase that.  I'M not normal.  but the way I walk... THAT'S normal ;)

i wanted to see if they had a test that could prove that i'm now a real athlete.  they didn't. shucks, i was hoping for a ribbon, or a laurel wreath or something.

onto the "trying on" part.

Never cared about sneakers - they all felt the same to me until one glorious, magical day - about 7 years ago?? I happened upon the best sneaker of all time.

Nike Reax.

Oh good gracious.  I put those on and i immediately felt like i could run a marathon. That's the mark of a good sneaker.  When they can trick you into thinking you belong in the Olympics - they have done their job.  LOLOL   But honestly - they were awesome.  they were light and form-fitting and springy and beautiful.

So - I really only wanted to see them.  Do not show me anything else.  I want Nike Reax.

They proceeded to bring 6 boxes of sneakers over.  None of them Nike Reax.

sad day.  apparently other people know how awesome they are and beat me to it.

He handed me some different pairs.  they were ok.  then he handed me these Asics.  I picked them up and could feel the weight of them and knew I didn't want them.

I pre-empted the full appraisal by assuring him, "ahhhh, i can already tell you I'm not gonna like these." He just smiled.

As I put my foot into them, I kept complaining as he sat there - watching... smiling..knowing.

"I don't know - they feel heavy and clunky and I really liked the way the Nike Reax were stream-lined and... "

Cripes!  the cushioning!!!!  do i have a new favorite sneaker?!?!

It was like my foot was standing on a custom-fit cloud.    No way these bulky-looking things could be so...

oh my gosh, yes.  yes, they are.

The sales guy was also a huge Nike fan.  (He was sponsored by Nike as a fighter and only wore Nike... but he also tried out these sweet little Asics babies two weeks prior when Asics came to the store.  He immediately felt the urge to cheat on Nike - but only... with... these... sneakers - certainly sent directly from Mt. Olympus)

so i bought them, right????

sadly, I am cheap.  Remember?

My husband is not!  He wanted to buy them for me immediately!!  but i couldn't do it!!!!!!!! I cannot see taking $150 out of our budget for sneakers.  Even sneakers such as these gifts from above!

so i am now on a mission to find these Asics cheaper online :)  Honestly!! What did we do before the internet???  We bought $150 sneakers, that's what.

For any of you who would throw down that money in a second.... I shall share the name of these Asics with you - and I bid you Godspeed as you purchase and then enjoy the most comfortable sneakers you will ever own.

Asics Gel-Nimbus 17.  There it is.  You're welcome.

Not Asics Gel Lyte.  Not Asics Gel Kayano.  Not Asics Gel Cirrusee.

Asic Gel-Nimbus 17

I don't like ridiculous colors - but I would wear any of these shoes PROUDLY because they are heaven-sent.

Asics Gel Nimbus 17.   (17 is this year's model.... but i have been finding good prices on the 16's!!! - which is last year's model, and if they feel anywhere as good as the 17's..... i'm gonna have some new cloud sneakers soon!)

I am fairly certain I will need a constant supply of these for as long as I live.

maybe I should become a professional fighter and get Asics to sponsor me.

VIDEO: Week 5 weigh in

I haven't posted at all this week!  It was a crazy week :)

Last week of school (I'm a homeschool mom)  and my kids did AMAZING but - whew.... glad it's over!!! SUMMER IS HERE!!!!

Here is my weigh in for this week!