My psychiatrists: Dr. Ruffles, Professor Lays, and the Keebler elf

so this post is maybe a little more vulnerable and less funny than normal.

and - i hope it resonates with some of you that have the same struggle.

I usually feel like i'm ok.

not great - not bad.  just - ok.  And I laugh a lot and people think that I'm just fine!  And I smile almost continually and can joke with everyone - so it seems that I'm dandy.  (We Americans have mastered the art of the continual smile, have we not?)

but you know... occasionally, i get a ping of.... worry.  of... sadness.  or anxiety.

and nothing works quicker than laying back on the couch and drowning my sorrows with Dr. Ruffles.

or..... having a nice little chat with that cute little Keebler elf.

I actually don't realize that i'm using food as a pacifying agent.  I have no thought before I begin to snack - thinking - oh!  that cookie will make me feel better!

it's almost auto-pilot.  I just get a snack, and poof!  like magic,  these little calories work wonders at being the counselors that I didn't even know I needed. I feel like I've been duped by Obi-Wan with his Jedi mind mumbo jumbo.
 

Here's the problem:   they only work for a little while.  maybe 5 minutes?  As the lingering taste of oatmeal raisin on my tongue starts to fade, and my temporarily appeased mood starts to return with a vengeance... I start to hurt a little more.  and need another cookie.  and 1000 calories later......

see the problem?

And again - if it was a really conscious thing, I think I would be able to fight it off and recognize it as the trap that it is.  But I usually don't think of it.  I just float blissfully through life, one Lays potato chip at a time.

And maybe it sounds like I'm attaching the snack bags to my face with a rubber band and just inhaling.  but i'm not.  And really - it's not even the amount of calories that is the problem.  i mean, it's not exactly HELPING.... lol.  But really - the problem is.... those snacks just aren't the solution.

It's really like any other addiction.  And the way to really see how pervasive any addiction is?   Take it away.

For the first 7 weeks of my journey on Healthy Wage - it was sweet. Summer was right around the corner, school was almost over, I was beginning a new weight loss journey that had the promise of prize money.... my focus was diverted a lot of the time to cool things, and the annoying little gnats of anxiety (or worry or sadness or a million other things) didn't have time to settle onto me - because I was in constant motion and distraction.

But, with time (that ever-so-tricky constant).... things change.

the shiny newness of the contest has worn off.  Do not get me wrong.  I am STILL going to win.  I'm wonderfully stubborn that way.   :)

But... we hosted a party on Sunday for a bunch of the sweetest kids in the world.  I bought tons of snacka (which I thought they would devour).  and.....We ended up taking half the unopened snacks home.

(insert ominous music)  dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun!!!

It is now Tuesday.  I didn't realize how much I missed snacks until 4 bags of mega-sized snacks sat on my table calling my name.

"Leah, ohhhhh Leeeeeeeaaaaaah.  Come. Sit. Talk. Eat. Forget"

And then when I couldn't just eat - first i was mad.  then i was REALLY mad.  then really grouchy.  then really self-pitying.   and then.... I finally realized...

blah!  They did help me to forget.  But they didn't help me treat the underlying issues. They weren't very good counselors, or psychiatrists, or helps!  at all.

And that's a good thing to recognize.  but a difficult thing to face when those troublesome "gnats" start to come again.

so my solution - prayer.  The effect lasts longer than 5 minutes, it's 0 calories - so I can do it as much as I want, and it really gets to the heart of the matter and gets me in front of the best Psychiatrist there is - who doesn't just deal with my mind, but deals with my heart and my soul.

I'll be honest.  It doesn't always act as quickly as a cookie.  And it's not numbing like a chip.... so sometimes it's a little more painful to dig deeper to the real source of the hurt, than it is to just pour delicious chocolate over the wound.   ;)

but... it does heal ever so much more infinitely truer.

and p.s.  In case you're wondering, I don't just pray to Something Out There, or a benevolent being in the sky.  I'm a Christian.  So I pray to Christ. and He is the Best there is.